Breaking the Silence
We've seen the ad campaigns. And we've taken the workshops. Most of us know that the single biggest barrier facing people struggling with mental health and substance use challenges is the stigma surrounding the condition itself.
Stigma drives the fear that often prevents individuals from seeking support. It isolates people and creates barriers to accessing important health and social services. Simply put, stigma silences.
Ongoing education is key. There are encouraging initiatives such as Bell Canada's "Let's Talk" campaign that strives to normalize mental illness and create safe spaces for people to speak up.
The provincial government's latest anti-stigma public awareness campaign also aims to knock down the walls of silence that keep people from talking about substance use and reaching out for help. It's also an important step towards addressing BC's opioid overdose crisis.
One in five British Columbians experience mental health and substance use problems severe enough to interfere with daily living. But, if we can't speak about our experiences we can't begin to get the help we need and deserve.
Kamloops nurse Lisa Grant knows this first hand. She is bravely breaking the silence to tell her story of hardship and recovery from sexual abuse, substance use and depression.
Grant is committed to sharing her story, with the hope that her honesty will help others reach out and seek support. Opening up comes with risks. We never know how someone will react. But she believes understanding and awareness are crucial to overcoming the stigma that leaves far too many of us suffering alone and isolated.
When thinking about her childhood, Lisa Grant recalls good times in a household that, while not idyllic, was full of love. "I come from a great family. I remember my dad always making me laugh, and the smell of my grandmother's homemade buns," she says.
"My parents taught me strong morals and the value of kindness and love," says Grant of the couple who adopted her when she was just a few months old. "I had a happy childhood where dad would sit with me every night before bed and play with my stuffed animals, while we made fun of my brother with my teddy bear."
Grant's parents struggled financially, but she says they typically had everything the family needed, and when they didn't, they improvised. "I remember my dad making a camp in our backyard because we just couldn't afford to send me to a real summer camp," she says. "And it became one of my most special memories.
"We moved around a bit while my parents tried to find work to provide more financial stability for us," she says. Originally from Alberta, the family eventually settled in Kamloops. "I ended up being bullied quite badly when we first moved there, this was Grade 3 and 4, and I spent a lot of my time reading in our apple tree those two years."
So, when her family moved to a new neighbourhood, Grant vowed to do whatever it took to be part of the popular crowd. "It was to be my new start," she recalls, "But instead it was the start of my downward spiral."
At around the same time her parents were establishing themselves in the neighbourhood and seeking work, new neighbours moved in next door. They befriended the entire family and quickly gained their trust.
For the next two years Grant was sexually abused by her neighbour, who was later convicted as a dangerous sex offender after Grant and other girls came forward with their experiences.
Her abuser's trial plunged Grant into deep emotional turmoil as she was asked to relive her experience over and over in court. She says this experience stripped her of the ability to feel love and happiness. Instead, her hate, anger and confusion spiralled out of control. "I blamed my parents, they took the brunt of everything," she remembers. "I wasn't in very good shape from the ages 12 to 16. I was using drugs on a regular basis. I ran away from home many times, I had a couple of suicide attempts and one hospitalization in psych."
Through it all, Grant says her parents remained solid in their love and support, despite their own pain. "There is a fine line between helping and enabling," Grant believes. "I would have loved it if they enabled me, but they were not about to pay for my housing so I could turn it in to a drug house – they actually had to put up boundaries." She continues, "I just didn't want the help that would actually be good for me so I never stayed."
Grant was expelled from school in Grade 8 for truancy and moved in with a drug dealing boyfriend. The relationship didn't last long, and when he left it meant she was living on her own at just 16 years old.
"By the time I was 17, I was on the streets. It all happened so fast."
"I think within a month of me being in my own place I tried crystal meth for the first time and right from then became a daily user," Grant recalls. "By the time I was 17 I was on the streets using meth, heroin and anything else I could shoot up – and smoking crack. It all happened so fast."
Then one night, at the age of 19, a dream became Grant's catalyst for change. "I woke up drenched in sweat in a full blown panic, fearing I was about to lose my life," she recalls. "I'll never forget that night – I called dad to pick me up. He did, as he always had, and that was the last day I ever spent on the streets.
"My parents saved my life," Grant states with blunt certainty. "I also knew I was not meant to be this person. I was kind and loving and compassionate. I had been reacting to something that had happened to me for so long that I had lost myself," she reflects. "But I never belonged in that world. I got on methadone. I requested treatment and have stayed clean ever since."
TAPESTRY OF LIFE Lisa Grant credits her parents for saving her life and setting her on a path to recovery. Sexual abuse and subsequent substance use and depression have been major challenges for the Kamloops nurse. Today she's focused on the future and sharing her experiences with others.
In treatment, Grant met the father of her first child and became pregnant with her son Tristan, who was born in 2006. Tristan's aunt told her about a local community program called First Steps. Designed for young moms, it offered parenting and life skills and another chance for a Grade 12 education. Determined to succeed, Grant enrolled. She didn't yet know what the future would bring, but says she was certain it began with an education.
"I went back to school when Tristan was just eight months old," she remembers. "Then, when he was one, I found out he had special needs, and we spent the next year traveling to and from BC Children's Hospital and seeing five different specialists a week in Kamloops, waiting to see if he would hit his next developmental milestone."
Grant wondered if her son would ever walk or talk. Tristan was initially diagnosed with cerebral palsy, which was later changed to schizencephaly, a rare birth defect causing clefts in the cerebral hemispheres of the brain. Doctors told Grant that Tristan's long-term prognosis was unknown.
"On top of what we didn't know about Tristan's condition, he was literally the most colicky baby – seriously, like EVER!" laughs Grant. But throughout these long months of testing, appointments, procedures and walking the floor with a crying baby, she grew close to the nursing staff caring for her and her infant son.
Grant says that when she thinks back on the help she received, she realizes it was so much more than just the nurses – it was the whole health-care team and community that showed support. From the nurse who gently rocked baby Tristan while he screamed, to the counsellor who brought food to her home to ensure she was eating, Grant remembers coming into contact with caregivers who went above and beyond their clinical job descriptions to help.
Her own path had now become clear. "I got a lot of support from the community and I fell in love with helping people the way I had been helped," she says. "I went right from finishing my Grade 12 into prerequisites at Thompson Rivers University (TRU) for the nursing program, and then directly into the four-year BSN."
Grant's past followed her into nursing school. "The College of Registered Nurses' of British Columbia (CRNBC) was aware of my past," she says. "I was very honest about my history so TRU and CRNBC made me prove I was of good character and doing well during the entire four years I was in school."
"My reserves are empty and I'm still trying to get them filled back up."
Grant concentrated on her career with new steadfast focus and gained confidence in her nursing practice. From personal challenges came growth and then more challenges. She purchased her first home, had another son, Mason, and later separated from her partner.
Looking back, Grant realizes these struggles took a toll on her mental health. But she has also discovered how hard it can be to turn the page. Without the same life experiences and stories to bond over and share, such as a first crush, first kiss or graduating from high school with her peers, she says she finds it difficult to socialize and admits it takes her a long time to feel comfortable in everyday social situations others may take for granted.
Today Grant struggles with depression. She was diagnosed last year, but looking back now realizes it had been developing over a longer period of time. "I just put my head down and never really acknowledged what my life had been or what was taken from me," she says. "I missed out on so many 'firsts' in life, and then I powered through so many things I don't know if I ever really processed them, I just focused on being strong and creating a life for my children and me."
Despite the recent difficulties, Grant feels like she has arrived at a new stage of her life where things are calmer. "After all the fights I have fought, before and after getting clean, I'm tired now," she reports. "My reserves are empty and I'm still trying to get them filled back up."
Grant believes self-reflection is essential for people who are living with depression. "I'm still learning: learning how to love myself, to understand my worth and really being honest with myself about my character, and working through the learned behaviours, defense mechanisms and negative thought patterns."
Many of Grant's coworkers are unaware of her life story. And while she confesses feeling some fear about their possible reactions when hearing it, she ultimately believes the most important way to overcome this fear is to make it easier for others to talk about the tough things they are facing in their lives.
She says the stigma of substance use and mental illness isolates people. "It clouds decisions and forces people to make poor choices to just survive. Mental health is an ongoing thing and we need to talk about it.
"It's key for people to see that there is always hope when they are struggling with mental illness, and my hope is that by sharing my story I will continue to heal," she says. "Maybe I need to see that something good can come from my story. Maybe I will help someone. Some people believe that everything happens for a reason. I would like to believe that this is true. Maybe this story is the next step in my journey."
"Maybe this story is the next step in my journey."
Grant has certainly come a long way, and she says her journey has now gained a sense of normalcy. For the last six years she has been working at Kamloops' Hillside Psychiatric Hospital, and recently accepted a temporary line in the pediatrics unit at Royal Inland Hospital. She's realizing there can be hope after substance use and trauma, and that even while struggling with depression, there is life.
Like many other full-time working single parents, Grant does the daily dance of arranging her life around her boys' schedules: meals, homework, field trips and extracurricular activities.
When we spoke with her on the phone Tristan had just dyed his hair bright blue and was off on a field trip with his classmates, tubing at the local ski mountain. A lively young man of 12, he too has come a long way.
When asked what's next for Lisa Grant, she heartily laughs and admits that prior to the start of our interview she had begun to research universities offering nurse practitioner courses with a long-term goal of working as a one-to-one counsellor with youth suffering from mental illness and substance use.
"I think I'll end up working in some sort of youth addictions, sexual assault or depression setting," she says. "I have a feeling I can combine my pediatrics and mental health nursing to really make a difference. This experience has really started me thinking about what I am going to do next," she states boldly with an eye to the future. •
READY TO SEEK HELP? BC Mental Health & Substance Use Services provides a network of services for BC residents across the province: www.bcmhsus.ca
UPDATE (Apr 2019)